“I don’t care what you think unless it is about me.”
― Kurt Cobain
My brain hurts.
I think I am thinking too much. Is that even possible? And, what if I think about the fact that I am thinking too much. Does that make it worse?
Nick and I have been talking about the “victim complex” lately. You know, it’s that whole “this could only happen to me” thing. Or, the “Well, yeah, she can do that, but I never could.” There is probably a better term for what I mean, but if I spend any time on the internet looking for the exact thing-a-ma-bob to describe it, I will end up finding 20 new psychological disorders that I probably have, and let’s face it, I have enough as it is.
Like, I thought I would never squat 120 kg. I was convinced – 100% absolutely positively bet-you-a-million-dollars convinced – that my squat was never going to move. Genetic potential maxed out. Or maybe it was that I didn’t have any genetic potential to begin with.
Then, I squatted 120 and I figured I could never get to 125. Same when I squatted 125. I thought I would be lucky to hit 130 kg before I died.
And, so on…
It goes something like this:
Monday – Amazing squat session, tons of PRs, life is fantastic!
Tuesday – Pretty good squats, feeling okay.
Wednesday – Sore, tired, unmotivated, can’t hit anything heavy.
Thursday – This is terrible. I am really not good at squatting at all. I am not really not good at anything that has to do with weightlifting.
Friday – Those PRs on Monday must have been a fluke. I am never going to set a squat PR again for the rest of my life. I can’t even hit 110 for reps today. I hit that like 2 months ago. I think I am going backwards. What is wrong with me? Everyone else in the gym is hitting PRs, and I am failing at baby weights. Why am I even bothering?
Saturday – Amazing squat session, tons of PRs, life is fantastic!
Repeat x 52 weeks a year.
Sometimes, I just want to slap myself. I mean, REALLY. It’s not like this hasn’t happened before. IT HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME, SO YOU THINK I WOULD GET USED TO IT.
Why I am so good at recognizing when other people do this to themselves but not good at seeing when I do it?
Because I must be different, right? I must be the ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE who can’t see this.
It’s like the other day when I was stuck in traffic dying of hunger. Only me. Stars, planets, comets, all conspiring against me.
And, Nick said, “Yes, because only you were stuck in traffic and not the other 1000 cars around you.”
I started laughing so hard.
I never thought about it that way. I mean, logically, I know that EVERYONE is stuck in traffic because if they weren’t, then there wouldn’t BE traffic. But, I somehow think that I am the only one in the world who could possibly be stuck in traffic this very minute when I am starving and trying to get to the gym.
Just like I am the only one having a bad squat day. Or the only one who hasn’t hit a PR in a while. Or the only one who forgot their checkbook at home or lost their keys or washed their iPhone.
When we restructured the gym, a lot of it had to do with changing the mental environment. Like, don’t have fucking tantrums about your lifting. In part, don’t have tantrums about your lifting because you can’t lift well that way. But, more importantly, don’t have tantrums about your lifting because YOU AREN’T THE ONLY ONE LIFTING. Your tantrum affects the people around you, and who the hell do you think you are that your workout is more important than everyone else’s workout?
You are not more important.
Your workout is not more important.
Get the fuck over yourself.
We went to McDonald’s yesterday, and I wanted a double quarter pounder with cheese and a hot fudge sundae.
Their ice cream machine was broken.
Only me, right?
Today, I am going to find a McDonald’s with a functional ice cream machine and work on getting the fuck over myself.
It should be noted that we did indeed go to McDonald’s after I was done writing this. I ordered a double quarter pounder with cheese and a hot fudge sundae. Nick ordered two McDoubles and a strawberry shake. The drive-thru lady said, “I’m sorry, our ice cream machine is down right now, so we can’t do shakes or sundaes.” That’s fine. Getting over myself.
Got home and opened the McDonald’s bag. They gave me a single quarter pounder with cheese not a double…